Blessed Assurance

I'm not feeling too sure of myself tonight. A few minutes ago, I realized the hymn towards the end of this post was playing through my head. What a a blessing.

A little background. I get migraines. Actually, I pretty much usually have a headache, they just get worse on a cyclical basis. Today, I had a really bad one. I could feel it behind my right eye all day long. At one point the pain went down my neck into my back. Anyway, I called my boss to try to get a reprieve. I was just hoping for some time for the medication to kick in. She said no. So, I went in. A note: florescent lights make migraines worse. As soon as I got to work, my already bad headache got more severe. Incapacitating is a better word. I was literally immobilized. It was bad. I couldn't formulate sentences. My head hurt so badly I was crying. The kicker? While I was in the break room trying to recuperate, my coworkers told the managers I was in bad shape and probably (definitely) needed to go home. They said I couldn't. Honestly, I almost walked out. Don't worry, I didn't, but it may not matter too much. I eventually left, but I am also pretty convinced they are going to fire me, because it's probably the second or third time I've had to leave because of a migraine. It's the nature of the beast called "corporation."

So, if you would, pray for me. First that I don't get fired for something completely outside of my control. Secondarily, that God would provide all my needs whether or not they fire me. (My mom thinks I might need to have an MRI. They are expensive.)

Note: my headache is now tolerable due to painkillers, rest, and caffeine (which apparently does something to the blood vessels that helps).

It was such a comfort to realize especially the last verse of this hymn.

Thanks for your prayers.

Words: Fanny Crosby

Music: Pheobe P. Knapp

Blessèd assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Refrain

---

The Day Thou Gavest, Lord, Has Ended

The following hymn is one of my favorite evening hymns. At the church I attend, we use the 1940 Hymnal which I generally love. :) Often when we have hymn sings in the evening, we'll sing this one towards the end.

A hymn with words by John Ellerton to the tune of St. Clement:

The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended,
The darkness falls at Thy behest;
To Thee our morning hymns ascended,
Thy praise shall sanctify our rest.

We thank Thee that Thy church, unsleeping,
While earth rolls onward into light,
Through all the world her watch is keeping,
And rests not now by day or night.

As o’er each continent and island
The dawn leads on another day,
The voice of prayer is never silent,
Nor dies the strain of praise away.

The sun that bids us rest is waking
Our brethren ’neath the western sky,
And hour by hour fresh lips are making
Thy wondrous doings heard on high.

So be it, Lord; Thy throne shall never,
Like earth’s proud empires, pass away:
Thy kingdom stands, and grows forever,
Till all Thy creatures own Thy sway.

---

This is such a good reminder of the globalism of our faith. As we sleep here, the church in other parts of the world is awakening to praise our common Lord. Of course the hymn says it much more poetically.


I must admit that as I sat down to blog tonight, I wasn't sure what direction it was going to take. Frankly, I was in a funk most of the afternoon and evening. This was mostly because things weren't going according to my plan. I like the last two lines of the hymn as a reminder. "Thy kingdom stands, and grows forever,/Till all Thy creatures own Thy sway." May I learn to own his sway as he orchestrates even the seconds of my life. Amen and Amen.

Dropped the Ball...

Oops, I guess I dropped the ball with regard to blogging. This is partly due to the fact that I have to come up to my church to use the computers and internet here. My laptop is malfunctioning and we don't have reliable internet connection at the house.

So, lots to update you all on.

For the moment, I'm staying in TX. I know that is a disappointment to some. It has been a merry-go-round of decision making. Anyway, until further notice, I am still in the South.

I have applied to a Graduate School for Library Science. I will probably not start until the Spring. This is exciting because it provides some direction. My enrollment will however probably depend on financial aid.

I am working hard to support myself. This is going to continue being the norm. It means very little spare time.

In addition, I have begun to pay attention to some very out of shape areas in my life. I am working on improving myself to better be a servant of the Lord, and hopefully one day a wife and mother.

So, that's about the gist. I'd love to hear from any of you.

:)

And... we're off... well almost.

The wedding fun for my sister's wedding starts this Thursday. So I have one more day to recover from this blasted cold. I certainly hope it goes away by Thursday and if not Thursday, then Saturday.

A sampling of what I'll be doing at the end of the week: bows, final dress fitting, Mary Kay party, dinner, sleep, nails, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, sleep, prepare for wedding, pictures, wedding, more pictures, and reception.

I will say, I am happy for Becca and John. I hope their life together is one of joy and peace.

I will also say, I think the reception will be a blast. I'll get to see family I haven't seen since I moved to TX two years ago--cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. Unfortunately, I have a strong feeling I will cry through most of the wedding. I went to a friend's wedding this last Saturday, stood up and looked at her standing in the back of the church, and that was it. I was a goner. I won't be able to look at my dad at all, because I think he'll be more of a goner than I will be.

I pray the wedding goes well. I'll have to stash tissues somewhere.

Goin' to the Chapel...

Well, I'm not, but I am home for two weeks for two weddings-- my friend Alice's and my sister Becca's.

This is my only vacation time probably till December, so I'm hoping to enjoy my time here in Jersey. It is going to be hectic, but hopefully still good. (Next Thursday through Saturday will probably be the craziest, so prayers during that time will be appreciated.)

I've also started reading a book that was recommended to me by a beloved friend, Decision Making and the Will of God. I actually own it, but had only read parts of it. I'm hoping it's good...life changing even.

Prayers for wisdom would be appreciated. I am struggling once again with the decision to move home to New Jersey. Struggling is the wrong word, because I am very much at peace.

Pros of moving home:
I currently do not have a job that meets my needs in TX. I might in the Fall.
I have a job I can go back to that pays 2 dollars an hour more than what I make now.
Expenses should theoretically be lower.
I would be nearer to family.

Cons:
I think I have just begun to put roots down in Tyler. Don't want to lose that.
None of my friends will be especially available for me here in Jersey. Not their fault, just life.
I have a great network in Tyler of mentors, friends, and those I could potentially mentor.
I would actually have to physically move all my stuff from Texas to Jersey. Not a huge deal, but still a consideration.

Anyway, these are just a few of the rumblings going through my brain. It helped to get them onto "paper", even if they were really boring to read. ;)

Anyway, looking forward to weddings! :)

Notes

This week has been... different. It's been long, but in a good way. One of the more important points of the week was the interview I had with a local hospital system. If I get the job, I'll be working full time as an administrative secretary. I think the interview went well, but please pray I get it. It would be such a blessing.

I get to go home next week for two weddings: a close friend's and my sister's. CRAZY! I'll be home for about 11 days. It will probably be really busy, but fun nonetheless. No idea what to wear to the friend's wedding, but I guess it will work out. :)

Hoping to see friends and family at both weddings.

Thank you for your prayers. I do appreciate them!

Finances

Please pray for my financial situation. I am now working only about 28 hrs a week at 7 dollars an hour. OUCH! Not a great combo. Not even great separately. Please pray the Lord will provide.

Poetry and such

Have I mentioned I like to write poetry? Here is something I wrote recently.

They say it's always darkest before the dawn.
My dawn should have come daybreaks ago.
I live in the gloom of not even half light.
Seeing, but not nearly fully.
Living with the promise of tomorrow, but not receiving.
Nothing is as it ought to be.
The gloom has not lifted,
Rather, it gets darker.

When will the dawn come?

The darkness deepens with every day.
Not a moment goes by that I don't regret some choice.
Darkness, deepest black of night, encloses me.
There is a hint of new beginnings, but when?
I have nothing;
It is as the dawn of creation.
Will God speak into my formless darkness?

When will the dawn come?

It seems that others live in the day,
Not knowing or caring that all is pitch in my world.
I don't wish upon them my choices.
My life is more than void and formless.
There is a blackness that absorbs light hungrily.
I long for day, but am so used to night,
I wonder if I will recognize it.
Day? Night? Dawn?

When will the dawn come?

If it's darkest before the dawn,
I am in the birth of a new day.
The darkness which surrounds me is a catalyst.
It brings change to me.
I cannot see.
My eyes have long been adjusted to this perpetual night.

When will the dawn come?

I pray and pray to seemingly no avail.
Does He hear? Does He care?
I trip and stumble through the pre-dawn gloom,
Every bump and bruise a reminder of my blindness.
What would He say? What has He said?

"Let there be light!"

I cling to this promise.
Out of nothing, out of the hungry void,
Light will come.
He has spoken it before.
I trust He will speak it again.
Out of the darkness, I trust He will call.
He is Redeemer and Savior.
What can I do but what I have done.

Wait.

Pray.

Wait.

Pray.

When will the dawn come?

Oh my...

I had no idea it had been so long since I'd written. Sorry for my negligence. I have to come over to my church to use the internet so that doesn't always happen. When it does, I have other things on my mind. Again, I apologize.



It has been a pretty good month overall. I think I have accomplished a lot. I've pretty much settled in at the new house, and it is SO nice to be in a real house again. I can cook, move around a little easier. It's just really nice. I've been doing some work for the school where I used to work. That should ease up the budget a bit. With that said, the summer will be the hardest. Please pray with me for God's provision. I'm working fewer hours at Barnes and Noble for less pay. Not a winning financial combination. I have been applying for jobs though, so again, please keep that in prayer.

I will have 18 hours a week in the fall at the local Junior College working in the Writing Lab. That should help a lot.

I'm working on being less of a flip-flop. So, I may not publish my exact thoughts. I tend to process with other people. I just need to stop. So I'm not going to publish everything I'm thinking. Often, it doesn't line up. Just pray for clarity.

Happy Memorial Day!

Spinning

That one word seems to sum up all that I'm feeling right now. My head, my world, my dreams are spinning. Within one week, I stepped down from my position at Barnes and Noble and moved. I have no idea where I'm going career wise or life wise. I have learned that I don't think I'm management material. I don't like directing people, I like relating to them. In my mind, that rules out teaching. Phew. I'm left with two possible career choices in my mind: Librarian and Clinical Counselor. Please pray for me as I attempt to decide which path to take.