8 month update

Since you probably don't want to read a really long, boring, drawn-out day-to-day of the last 8 months, I'll sum up.

Major changes have occurred in my life. I am no longer living in Texas, but at home in NJ. For some time before the move, I contemplated the transition to NJ, but things came to a head in January with an illness. I now live back with my parents in the "garden state."

That's the biggest change actually, and I don't want to downplay it. It has meant major adjustments, some of which I can't put into words. I do want to say that the Lord is good. He has sustained and provided beyond my wildest expectations. He is truly a Lord of love.

I still work at Barnes and Noble. They were able to do a transfer that occurred back in March, and I've worked in the cafe ever since. This is great because with the aforementioned illness, I need health benefits. I have these with Barnes and Noble.

Moving forward....

Moving forward, I'm currently starting the process of applying to graduate schools. While Library Science was a viable option, I have decided (Lord willing) to pursue a higher degree in English Literature. My top choice program is a Doctoral program which will take 6 years to complete. I'm not in a place where I have many other commitments, so for the time being, now is the time to pursue this degree (being of course that I can't really pursue marriage and a family).

On that note, God has brought me to a place where I can say, "Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done." I have longed for a husband and family for many years, probably longer than I'm willing to admit. God has not taken this desire from me, but with the relinquishment of my will to His, He has--for the moment-- allowed it to subside. Isaiah 54 has been a comfort. Here, the Lord promises Israel He will be her husband and redeemer. I have claimed this passage for myself as well. Don't mistake me. I still want to get married. It is, however, no longer an idol.

Well, this has felt good. I'll try to write again more regularly. God bless.

The Waterfall

Emotions are a torrent
Pouring over the jagged rocks of life's difficulties.
They are torn, reshaped.

Why am I so shaken?

The waterfall is beautiful
But violent.
Can anything live in her wake?

No.

Rather, fish teem where the water is peaceful.
Dark, green moss grows on the rock with a gentle current.

My heart is a raging torrent
Pouring over and through my life
With the force of a waterfall.

But I, I want to be still.

Let my heart be peaceful and deep
As the calm waters of the pool.
Let beautiful things teem there.

Not stagnant, but not in torment.

Lineage of Grace

I would highly, highly recommend Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. I just finished Ruth and CRIED. May God make me a woman of her caliber.

An unearned privilege

So much of our lives are unearned privileges. Today, I had the privilege of helping an elderly gentleman learn something about computers. He was such a sweet man and had so much patience for something that was so foreign to him. I have a lot to learn about attitude.

Stars and Rest

It has been a long time since I've rested. Even when I have a day off (once a week if that), there are things which must be done. Now granted, this is definitely something I need to work on whether that means streamlining my schedule or some other measure. I know in so many ways that I need rest. It's just a matter of getting it.

In any case, I'm so thankful for last evening. I laid down to sleep and couldn't, so I figured I'd go out and look at the stars. They were beautiful. And I had about 40 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time when nothing else was on my mind or demanding my attention. It was lovely. I felt truly rested when I woke up this morning (not something which happens often). Today is the better for it.

Comfort

The past few weeks have been crazy. Some days I've worked 14 hours (two jobs). That has proven to be difficult. Recently though, things have come together.

It looks as though I will be getting a substantial raise at one job with 18 hours a week in the summer! Praise be to the Lord, who supplies beyond what we ask or think.

I also have submitted GRE scores and my FAFSA to the college where I am hoping to start graduate courses in... JANUARY! My goal is to finish the application for the College of Library and Information Science this week. Thanks for all your prayers. Pending acceptance, I'll be engaging in online courses. (More importantly, I've come to a decision. Shocking!)

That's about it. Hope all is well.

My thoughts and prayer are with my cousin Amy getting married this Saturday. Love you all.

Malaise

Malaise according to dictionary.com is "a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort."

That's me.

I am currently at work. It's the third day in a row, six hours each day. My official title is "Writing Consultant." I've consulted ONE person in the last 15 hours of work. That session was 45 mins long. You get the idea. I'm not complaining, but there is a WHOLE lot of down time. Well...I guess maybe I am complaining.

I need a real job. Bottom line? I'm scared to death of falling short and certain that I will. There it is in a nutshell. That's the reason I've accomplished just about nothing in the last two and a half years. Part of me can't believe I put that into writing. Part of me hadn't even identified it as a valid feeling.

Even as I sit here, I'm praying over that confession. What other areas is this affecting? It even makes me angry that I've made this agreement with myself.

Wow... that's huge. I am not even sure how to address this one. Thoughts anyone 'cause I'm at a loss!

Blessed Assurance

I'm not feeling too sure of myself tonight. A few minutes ago, I realized the hymn towards the end of this post was playing through my head. What a a blessing.

A little background. I get migraines. Actually, I pretty much usually have a headache, they just get worse on a cyclical basis. Today, I had a really bad one. I could feel it behind my right eye all day long. At one point the pain went down my neck into my back. Anyway, I called my boss to try to get a reprieve. I was just hoping for some time for the medication to kick in. She said no. So, I went in. A note: florescent lights make migraines worse. As soon as I got to work, my already bad headache got more severe. Incapacitating is a better word. I was literally immobilized. It was bad. I couldn't formulate sentences. My head hurt so badly I was crying. The kicker? While I was in the break room trying to recuperate, my coworkers told the managers I was in bad shape and probably (definitely) needed to go home. They said I couldn't. Honestly, I almost walked out. Don't worry, I didn't, but it may not matter too much. I eventually left, but I am also pretty convinced they are going to fire me, because it's probably the second or third time I've had to leave because of a migraine. It's the nature of the beast called "corporation."

So, if you would, pray for me. First that I don't get fired for something completely outside of my control. Secondarily, that God would provide all my needs whether or not they fire me. (My mom thinks I might need to have an MRI. They are expensive.)

Note: my headache is now tolerable due to painkillers, rest, and caffeine (which apparently does something to the blood vessels that helps).

It was such a comfort to realize especially the last verse of this hymn.

Thanks for your prayers.

Words: Fanny Crosby

Music: Pheobe P. Knapp

Blessèd assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Refrain

---

The Day Thou Gavest, Lord, Has Ended

The following hymn is one of my favorite evening hymns. At the church I attend, we use the 1940 Hymnal which I generally love. :) Often when we have hymn sings in the evening, we'll sing this one towards the end.

A hymn with words by John Ellerton to the tune of St. Clement:

The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended,
The darkness falls at Thy behest;
To Thee our morning hymns ascended,
Thy praise shall sanctify our rest.

We thank Thee that Thy church, unsleeping,
While earth rolls onward into light,
Through all the world her watch is keeping,
And rests not now by day or night.

As o’er each continent and island
The dawn leads on another day,
The voice of prayer is never silent,
Nor dies the strain of praise away.

The sun that bids us rest is waking
Our brethren ’neath the western sky,
And hour by hour fresh lips are making
Thy wondrous doings heard on high.

So be it, Lord; Thy throne shall never,
Like earth’s proud empires, pass away:
Thy kingdom stands, and grows forever,
Till all Thy creatures own Thy sway.

---

This is such a good reminder of the globalism of our faith. As we sleep here, the church in other parts of the world is awakening to praise our common Lord. Of course the hymn says it much more poetically.


I must admit that as I sat down to blog tonight, I wasn't sure what direction it was going to take. Frankly, I was in a funk most of the afternoon and evening. This was mostly because things weren't going according to my plan. I like the last two lines of the hymn as a reminder. "Thy kingdom stands, and grows forever,/Till all Thy creatures own Thy sway." May I learn to own his sway as he orchestrates even the seconds of my life. Amen and Amen.

Dropped the Ball...

Oops, I guess I dropped the ball with regard to blogging. This is partly due to the fact that I have to come up to my church to use the computers and internet here. My laptop is malfunctioning and we don't have reliable internet connection at the house.

So, lots to update you all on.

For the moment, I'm staying in TX. I know that is a disappointment to some. It has been a merry-go-round of decision making. Anyway, until further notice, I am still in the South.

I have applied to a Graduate School for Library Science. I will probably not start until the Spring. This is exciting because it provides some direction. My enrollment will however probably depend on financial aid.

I am working hard to support myself. This is going to continue being the norm. It means very little spare time.

In addition, I have begun to pay attention to some very out of shape areas in my life. I am working on improving myself to better be a servant of the Lord, and hopefully one day a wife and mother.

So, that's about the gist. I'd love to hear from any of you.

:)