The Waterfall

Emotions are a torrent
Pouring over the jagged rocks of life's difficulties.
They are torn, reshaped.

Why am I so shaken?

The waterfall is beautiful
But violent.
Can anything live in her wake?

No.

Rather, fish teem where the water is peaceful.
Dark, green moss grows on the rock with a gentle current.

My heart is a raging torrent
Pouring over and through my life
With the force of a waterfall.

But I, I want to be still.

Let my heart be peaceful and deep
As the calm waters of the pool.
Let beautiful things teem there.

Not stagnant, but not in torment.

Lineage of Grace

I would highly, highly recommend Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. I just finished Ruth and CRIED. May God make me a woman of her caliber.

An unearned privilege

So much of our lives are unearned privileges. Today, I had the privilege of helping an elderly gentleman learn something about computers. He was such a sweet man and had so much patience for something that was so foreign to him. I have a lot to learn about attitude.

Stars and Rest

It has been a long time since I've rested. Even when I have a day off (once a week if that), there are things which must be done. Now granted, this is definitely something I need to work on whether that means streamlining my schedule or some other measure. I know in so many ways that I need rest. It's just a matter of getting it.

In any case, I'm so thankful for last evening. I laid down to sleep and couldn't, so I figured I'd go out and look at the stars. They were beautiful. And I had about 40 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time when nothing else was on my mind or demanding my attention. It was lovely. I felt truly rested when I woke up this morning (not something which happens often). Today is the better for it.

Comfort

The past few weeks have been crazy. Some days I've worked 14 hours (two jobs). That has proven to be difficult. Recently though, things have come together.

It looks as though I will be getting a substantial raise at one job with 18 hours a week in the summer! Praise be to the Lord, who supplies beyond what we ask or think.

I also have submitted GRE scores and my FAFSA to the college where I am hoping to start graduate courses in... JANUARY! My goal is to finish the application for the College of Library and Information Science this week. Thanks for all your prayers. Pending acceptance, I'll be engaging in online courses. (More importantly, I've come to a decision. Shocking!)

That's about it. Hope all is well.

My thoughts and prayer are with my cousin Amy getting married this Saturday. Love you all.

Malaise

Malaise according to dictionary.com is "a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort."

That's me.

I am currently at work. It's the third day in a row, six hours each day. My official title is "Writing Consultant." I've consulted ONE person in the last 15 hours of work. That session was 45 mins long. You get the idea. I'm not complaining, but there is a WHOLE lot of down time. Well...I guess maybe I am complaining.

I need a real job. Bottom line? I'm scared to death of falling short and certain that I will. There it is in a nutshell. That's the reason I've accomplished just about nothing in the last two and a half years. Part of me can't believe I put that into writing. Part of me hadn't even identified it as a valid feeling.

Even as I sit here, I'm praying over that confession. What other areas is this affecting? It even makes me angry that I've made this agreement with myself.

Wow... that's huge. I am not even sure how to address this one. Thoughts anyone 'cause I'm at a loss!

Blessed Assurance

I'm not feeling too sure of myself tonight. A few minutes ago, I realized the hymn towards the end of this post was playing through my head. What a a blessing.

A little background. I get migraines. Actually, I pretty much usually have a headache, they just get worse on a cyclical basis. Today, I had a really bad one. I could feel it behind my right eye all day long. At one point the pain went down my neck into my back. Anyway, I called my boss to try to get a reprieve. I was just hoping for some time for the medication to kick in. She said no. So, I went in. A note: florescent lights make migraines worse. As soon as I got to work, my already bad headache got more severe. Incapacitating is a better word. I was literally immobilized. It was bad. I couldn't formulate sentences. My head hurt so badly I was crying. The kicker? While I was in the break room trying to recuperate, my coworkers told the managers I was in bad shape and probably (definitely) needed to go home. They said I couldn't. Honestly, I almost walked out. Don't worry, I didn't, but it may not matter too much. I eventually left, but I am also pretty convinced they are going to fire me, because it's probably the second or third time I've had to leave because of a migraine. It's the nature of the beast called "corporation."

So, if you would, pray for me. First that I don't get fired for something completely outside of my control. Secondarily, that God would provide all my needs whether or not they fire me. (My mom thinks I might need to have an MRI. They are expensive.)

Note: my headache is now tolerable due to painkillers, rest, and caffeine (which apparently does something to the blood vessels that helps).

It was such a comfort to realize especially the last verse of this hymn.

Thanks for your prayers.

Words: Fanny Crosby

Music: Pheobe P. Knapp

Blessèd assurance, Jesus is mine!
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain

This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Refrain

---

The Day Thou Gavest, Lord, Has Ended

The following hymn is one of my favorite evening hymns. At the church I attend, we use the 1940 Hymnal which I generally love. :) Often when we have hymn sings in the evening, we'll sing this one towards the end.

A hymn with words by John Ellerton to the tune of St. Clement:

The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended,
The darkness falls at Thy behest;
To Thee our morning hymns ascended,
Thy praise shall sanctify our rest.

We thank Thee that Thy church, unsleeping,
While earth rolls onward into light,
Through all the world her watch is keeping,
And rests not now by day or night.

As o’er each continent and island
The dawn leads on another day,
The voice of prayer is never silent,
Nor dies the strain of praise away.

The sun that bids us rest is waking
Our brethren ’neath the western sky,
And hour by hour fresh lips are making
Thy wondrous doings heard on high.

So be it, Lord; Thy throne shall never,
Like earth’s proud empires, pass away:
Thy kingdom stands, and grows forever,
Till all Thy creatures own Thy sway.

---

This is such a good reminder of the globalism of our faith. As we sleep here, the church in other parts of the world is awakening to praise our common Lord. Of course the hymn says it much more poetically.


I must admit that as I sat down to blog tonight, I wasn't sure what direction it was going to take. Frankly, I was in a funk most of the afternoon and evening. This was mostly because things weren't going according to my plan. I like the last two lines of the hymn as a reminder. "Thy kingdom stands, and grows forever,/Till all Thy creatures own Thy sway." May I learn to own his sway as he orchestrates even the seconds of my life. Amen and Amen.

Dropped the Ball...

Oops, I guess I dropped the ball with regard to blogging. This is partly due to the fact that I have to come up to my church to use the computers and internet here. My laptop is malfunctioning and we don't have reliable internet connection at the house.

So, lots to update you all on.

For the moment, I'm staying in TX. I know that is a disappointment to some. It has been a merry-go-round of decision making. Anyway, until further notice, I am still in the South.

I have applied to a Graduate School for Library Science. I will probably not start until the Spring. This is exciting because it provides some direction. My enrollment will however probably depend on financial aid.

I am working hard to support myself. This is going to continue being the norm. It means very little spare time.

In addition, I have begun to pay attention to some very out of shape areas in my life. I am working on improving myself to better be a servant of the Lord, and hopefully one day a wife and mother.

So, that's about the gist. I'd love to hear from any of you.

:)

And... we're off... well almost.

The wedding fun for my sister's wedding starts this Thursday. So I have one more day to recover from this blasted cold. I certainly hope it goes away by Thursday and if not Thursday, then Saturday.

A sampling of what I'll be doing at the end of the week: bows, final dress fitting, Mary Kay party, dinner, sleep, nails, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, sleep, prepare for wedding, pictures, wedding, more pictures, and reception.

I will say, I am happy for Becca and John. I hope their life together is one of joy and peace.

I will also say, I think the reception will be a blast. I'll get to see family I haven't seen since I moved to TX two years ago--cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. Unfortunately, I have a strong feeling I will cry through most of the wedding. I went to a friend's wedding this last Saturday, stood up and looked at her standing in the back of the church, and that was it. I was a goner. I won't be able to look at my dad at all, because I think he'll be more of a goner than I will be.

I pray the wedding goes well. I'll have to stash tissues somewhere.

Goin' to the Chapel...

Well, I'm not, but I am home for two weeks for two weddings-- my friend Alice's and my sister Becca's.

This is my only vacation time probably till December, so I'm hoping to enjoy my time here in Jersey. It is going to be hectic, but hopefully still good. (Next Thursday through Saturday will probably be the craziest, so prayers during that time will be appreciated.)

I've also started reading a book that was recommended to me by a beloved friend, Decision Making and the Will of God. I actually own it, but had only read parts of it. I'm hoping it's good...life changing even.

Prayers for wisdom would be appreciated. I am struggling once again with the decision to move home to New Jersey. Struggling is the wrong word, because I am very much at peace.

Pros of moving home:
I currently do not have a job that meets my needs in TX. I might in the Fall.
I have a job I can go back to that pays 2 dollars an hour more than what I make now.
Expenses should theoretically be lower.
I would be nearer to family.

Cons:
I think I have just begun to put roots down in Tyler. Don't want to lose that.
None of my friends will be especially available for me here in Jersey. Not their fault, just life.
I have a great network in Tyler of mentors, friends, and those I could potentially mentor.
I would actually have to physically move all my stuff from Texas to Jersey. Not a huge deal, but still a consideration.

Anyway, these are just a few of the rumblings going through my brain. It helped to get them onto "paper", even if they were really boring to read. ;)

Anyway, looking forward to weddings! :)

Notes

This week has been... different. It's been long, but in a good way. One of the more important points of the week was the interview I had with a local hospital system. If I get the job, I'll be working full time as an administrative secretary. I think the interview went well, but please pray I get it. It would be such a blessing.

I get to go home next week for two weddings: a close friend's and my sister's. CRAZY! I'll be home for about 11 days. It will probably be really busy, but fun nonetheless. No idea what to wear to the friend's wedding, but I guess it will work out. :)

Hoping to see friends and family at both weddings.

Thank you for your prayers. I do appreciate them!

Finances

Please pray for my financial situation. I am now working only about 28 hrs a week at 7 dollars an hour. OUCH! Not a great combo. Not even great separately. Please pray the Lord will provide.

Poetry and such

Have I mentioned I like to write poetry? Here is something I wrote recently.

They say it's always darkest before the dawn.
My dawn should have come daybreaks ago.
I live in the gloom of not even half light.
Seeing, but not nearly fully.
Living with the promise of tomorrow, but not receiving.
Nothing is as it ought to be.
The gloom has not lifted,
Rather, it gets darker.

When will the dawn come?

The darkness deepens with every day.
Not a moment goes by that I don't regret some choice.
Darkness, deepest black of night, encloses me.
There is a hint of new beginnings, but when?
I have nothing;
It is as the dawn of creation.
Will God speak into my formless darkness?

When will the dawn come?

It seems that others live in the day,
Not knowing or caring that all is pitch in my world.
I don't wish upon them my choices.
My life is more than void and formless.
There is a blackness that absorbs light hungrily.
I long for day, but am so used to night,
I wonder if I will recognize it.
Day? Night? Dawn?

When will the dawn come?

If it's darkest before the dawn,
I am in the birth of a new day.
The darkness which surrounds me is a catalyst.
It brings change to me.
I cannot see.
My eyes have long been adjusted to this perpetual night.

When will the dawn come?

I pray and pray to seemingly no avail.
Does He hear? Does He care?
I trip and stumble through the pre-dawn gloom,
Every bump and bruise a reminder of my blindness.
What would He say? What has He said?

"Let there be light!"

I cling to this promise.
Out of nothing, out of the hungry void,
Light will come.
He has spoken it before.
I trust He will speak it again.
Out of the darkness, I trust He will call.
He is Redeemer and Savior.
What can I do but what I have done.

Wait.

Pray.

Wait.

Pray.

When will the dawn come?

Oh my...

I had no idea it had been so long since I'd written. Sorry for my negligence. I have to come over to my church to use the internet so that doesn't always happen. When it does, I have other things on my mind. Again, I apologize.



It has been a pretty good month overall. I think I have accomplished a lot. I've pretty much settled in at the new house, and it is SO nice to be in a real house again. I can cook, move around a little easier. It's just really nice. I've been doing some work for the school where I used to work. That should ease up the budget a bit. With that said, the summer will be the hardest. Please pray with me for God's provision. I'm working fewer hours at Barnes and Noble for less pay. Not a winning financial combination. I have been applying for jobs though, so again, please keep that in prayer.

I will have 18 hours a week in the fall at the local Junior College working in the Writing Lab. That should help a lot.

I'm working on being less of a flip-flop. So, I may not publish my exact thoughts. I tend to process with other people. I just need to stop. So I'm not going to publish everything I'm thinking. Often, it doesn't line up. Just pray for clarity.

Happy Memorial Day!

Spinning

That one word seems to sum up all that I'm feeling right now. My head, my world, my dreams are spinning. Within one week, I stepped down from my position at Barnes and Noble and moved. I have no idea where I'm going career wise or life wise. I have learned that I don't think I'm management material. I don't like directing people, I like relating to them. In my mind, that rules out teaching. Phew. I'm left with two possible career choices in my mind: Librarian and Clinical Counselor. Please pray for me as I attempt to decide which path to take.

Moving tomorrow!

I'm moving tomorrow and I'm not even CLOSE to being ready. Help!

Changes

Well, I did it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting something to change. So, I finally made a change.

I was under so much stress the last two weeks that I had 4 meltdowns. At least two of these were at work. By meltdown, I mean I was upset, crying, and really just at the end of my rope. Not great for work. On Wednesday, I showed up to work in tears. I had had a migraine for two days, due to stress, and I had had to work a turnaround shift which is one shift till 11pm and then a shift at 8am the next morning. Needless to say, I was exhausted. The assistant store manager let me go home, but we had a serious discussion over whether or not I would be able to step into the Cafe manager's shoes when she went on maternity leave. After a day of counsel and thinking and prayer, I decided. No. So, I am no longer functioning in the Cafe Lead position. It feels GREAT. I didn't realize how much stress I was under until it was lifted. I still have a job there, but I won't be responsible for nearly as much.

With that said, I move into a new place this week. I have come almost full circle in a year. I'm moving back into my pastor's son's rental house. It should be good. It's going to be a busy week. I move on Wednesday and Thursday. Prayers that everything goes smoothly would be appreciated.

Also, I need to find a new job. I need to be making $10 an hour. At least. Please pray that one of the numerous jobs I have applied for will come through.

Well, it's time to get ready for church. I'll catch you later. :)

Healed by Nichole Nordeman

Oh, We stutter and we stammer till You save us
A symphony of chaos till You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
‘Til You read us into poetry and prose
We are kept and we are captive till You free us
Vaguely unimagined ‘til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided ‘til You lead us home

CHORUS:
By Your voice we speak
By Your strength no longer weak
We are no longer weak
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until you claim us
Orphaned and abandoned ‘til you name us
Hidden and disclosed ‘til you expose you hearts

CHORUS:
By your death we live
It is by your gift that we might give
That we might give
And by your wounds we are healed
And by your wounds we are healed

What kind of love would take your
shame and spill his blood for you
Save us by His wounds
By your wounds, we are healed
By your wounds, we are healed
What kind of love
By your wounds, we are healed
Tell me what kind of love is this
By your wounds, we are healed.

hmmm...

Well, I move in 9 days. I'm nowhere near being ready. I'll get there, but right now, I could panic. I did just have a great night studying my Bible at one of the local Starbucks, so I'm pretty calm, despite the pressures I'm facing. So many questions are racing through my mind. They are pretty much the same ones I've elaborated on. I'll list them to clear my mind. You have my permission to skip them. ;)

1) Move-- I hope this is the last one for a while, but I'm wondering if I may not have to move home to Jersey sooner rather than later.

2) School-- Do I go back? If so, where? for what?

3) Work-- I'm not making enough to support myself. Where should I work? Will a job come through?

4) Life purpose-- What is it? Ultimately, I know it's to glorify God, but how do I best do this?

Well, this is my life right now. Questions. I do believe God will come through. He always does in one way or another. :)

Sweet Rest

I experienced sweet rest Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I had a migraine most of the day, but was still able and rather forced to rest. Sunday was a day of worship and celebration. We had worship Sunday morning, a banquet afterward, and then a dance in the evening. I actually have come to quite enjoy English contra dancing.

Anyway, this is just to say, I feel better than I have in a while. I am refreshed and satisfied. I still am unsure about the future, but I can face it slightly more prepared at this moment.

At this moment, I really ought to be cleaning and packing for my move. I am very unmotivated. I'm not tired, but just very relaxed and at peace. I suppose it needs to be done though as I move in 16 days. Fun times.

The job search is somewhat at a pause. I'm waiting for something to come through. Please pray that God's will would be done.

With that, I'm off. Hopefully to clean. We'll see what I get accomplished. ;)

He is risen, just as he said

On this day when we celebrate Easter, I am prompted to remember God's promises. Christ told the disciples He would rise again...and He did. It was not an empty promise or platitude. He meant what He said. I have to wonder if I'm taking God seriously. Am I remembering His promises? He has made so many to His children throughout Scripture. Am I walking as if I believe Him? Honestly, I'm not. I'm trying to do things in my own strength. I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps as it were. And I keep running into wall after wall. So today, I'm going to focus on His promises and rest. I believe He will come through.

A bit better

So, I'm feeling a bit better. I got a good deal of sleep last night. Hopefully it helps. Sorry for the depressing post of last evening.

Things to keep in prayer if you so desire:

My upcoming move
Job search
Finances (this is a biggie).

Let me know if you have requests I can include in my prayer time.

So very tired

I am so, so very tired.  I have a thirteen hour work day tomorrow.  Don't know how I'm going to make it.  Prayers would be appreciated.  

A chink in the armor

I've been under so much stress recently. Most of it is work related. Oh yeah, and money related. I bear up under stress pretty well...until a point. This explains my day on Friday. I went to work. Someone made a critical remark about my work. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Well, that and the health department showed up. By the time my boss got there, I had a headache and blurry vision. Not good. Then, the waterworks started. I started bawling in the back room. I think I said something like, "I can't do this anymore!" Thankfully, my boss is a sweetheart. She sent me home for the day with a suggestion to rest. So today I'm resting. Yes, I know it's about 5 days later, but today is my first partial day off in a while. (I had to tutor at the College for about two hours this morning.) So far, I've taken a three hour nap. Woohoo! And I posted this blog. Somewhere along the line I have to start packing and cleaning for my move. Not to mention the laundry. Well, this was somewhat therapeutic. Sorry if it was boring. Please pray that jobs and finances would line up. Thanks! :)

Thinking

So, I realized today that I don't think enough. I tend to feel my way through life. This is not at all how I want to live. I need to start thinking about concrete things so that I can function better. For example, I don't want to move. I like my little apartment. However, concrete evidence would tell me that I need to move. Bummer. I also need to get better about things like spending money. I can't spend money just because I want to. There needs to be money to spend and also a reason for spending the money. I'm working on getting better at this, but it's hard. I feel like I made a wrong turn somewhere along the way, and now I'm fighting to get back. It's really an uphill battle.

The Scoop

Well, things are going pretty well here all things considered. Some interesting things have happened recently in relation to my apartment. First let me say that I've grown somewhat attached to my little apartment, despite its small size and no kitchen. So the following information is something of a bummer, especially since I've moved 4 times in the last two years. In the wee hours of the morning, March 18th, I smelled marijuana. I would not normally know what this smells like if a friend hadn't pointed out this smell when we were walking at the local college. Only, the smell in my room was MUCH more concentrated... AND coming through the vents. Goody. I don't know who was smoking it, because there was a party that night. There was also another party until 4am Sunday, when I had to be at work at 7am. THAT was fun... In any case, I talked to my pastor and his wife. They think I should move out as soon as the lease is up (end of April). My landlord of the house I lived in when I first moved here also offered me a room again. So, it looks like I'll be moving once again. Please pray that God's will would be done. Thanks!

God's Grace

Is not our God a gracious God? I'm learning more and more about His grace. Whether it be a timely rebuke or a loving friend, He is gracious to give us what we need. Both the rebuke and the friend came to me this week from the same person. First, a little background. I had prayed a while ago that God would send me a mentor. He did. Of course, I didn't realize that this lovely woman of God was acting as my mentor until well into the relationship. We have been walking together (and losing weight!) and really enjoying each others' company. She is such a blessing to me. Earlier this week, I asked her a question that led into a rather hard to hear rebuke. I'm so thankful she said something though because it was done in love and it was something I needed to hear. Yesterday, I drove this friend to the airport in Dallas, and God softened the rebuke with sweet fellowship. I will still heed the rebuke, but as He promises: a bruised reed He will not break, a smoking flax He will not quench.

I would like to ask for prayer for my friend and her family. Her son and daughter-in-law are full term with a baby that is not expected to live. My friend was traveling to spend about a month with them to help in this tragedy. Please pray that God will give peace in the midst of the storm, and that He would draw near to them in the grieving process. I would really appreciate your prayers for her.

Rainy day...

While yesterday was hot and humid (nigh unto 80 degrees), today is rainy with a current temperature of 43. As I start my day (which happens to be a day off), I am struggling with the desire to be productive. That is, I think I want to be productive, but I don't have much to do. I suppose I could do any of 100 things, but I seem to be stymied. For example, I need to do laundry. Unfortunately, my landlord is away and I need him to get to the washer and dryer. Where do I do said laundry? I could clean (and probably will end up doing this) but surprisingly, my room is not too bad. I do want to sew. I need to make curtains, but the fabric needs to be washed. I suppose I could start on the quilt I bought stuff for a year ago, but I don't have everything I need. So, I am stymied. It doesn't help that on rainy days, I just want to relax and enjoy the calm. Perhaps I can work that in somewhere. So, I'm off. To do what, I'm not sure, but something needs to be done. :)

A Day of Rest

So, today was a good day. I had the day off from work. That's generally a good start. It's been a very relaxing day. I tootled around for a bit, got some lunch with a friend, and went for a long, hard, invigorating walk. I am currently babysitting. Rather, I am supervising a two year old while he sleeps. This too is relaxing thus far. We'll hope it continues to be relaxing.

Meanwhile, stability has been pressed onto my mind and heart. I think the time has come just to stay. It's been a long, bumpy two years. Staying is actually among the harder things I could do, but it seems right. We'll see how it goes. Till next time...

Tired anyone?

Well, we turned the clocks forward again last night. At least I hope you did, or you'll be late for church. ;) I had to work till midnight last night and then go grocery shopping. So I ended up being up till late. I'd say 2 0r 3...new time. And now it's 10 am. I've been up for a half hour, and guess what? I get to be at work in another hour. You can pray that I can get Sundays off again. Or at least work a shift where I don't have to miss all of church. Sundays used to be my favorite day, a day of rest. Now, they're pretty close to my least favorite. Bummer. Anyway, I hope each of you is well. God bless.

Waffing

Waff tr.v. To wave or flutter or cause to do so.

Recently, I have taken to calling myself a waffler. After looking "waffler" up in the dictionary, I decided I am not a waffler, but rather am waffing. In other words, I float from one option to another, as if in the wind.

Recent pseudo-decisions have included, but are not limited to:

Do I move? Do I move home to Jersey? Not just New Jersey, but should I change my living situation here in TX? My lease is up at the end of April, so where does that leave me? (By the way, this caused me to look at apartments to rent now which further confused the situation.) Did I mention that my current landlord told me they liked me so much, they would keep the rent the same when my lease is up? It's a small space, but seriously, I don't think I need to be moving right now. Why do I still want to? It's frustrating.

Jobs? Where do I work? What do I pursue as a career? This has been ridiculous as in the course of a few weeks I went from considering seminary, to teacher certification, to Christian counseling. It is not fun to live in my mind.

So, yes, I do need to make more money. Yes, a bigger place would be nice. You know what though? I think I need stability more than anything else. I need to stop waffing.

Possibilities

At the risk of seeming like a COMPLETE flake (which by the way, I may be), I am requesting prayers for God's direction in the following possibilities.

I have an interview on Monday with the local junior college for a position in their writing lab. Please pray that I would get this position. I need it financially.

I am considering moving home to NJ. Please pray that if this is God's will, He would make it clear. I have applied for a job in a college library in NJ. If I get it, that may clarify God's will some. :)

While I tentatively decided to pursue teaching, I have put this on hold. It is not clear this is what God would have for me.

I am seeking my Savior's face. Fortunately, He has promised never to leave me or forsake me. Praise be to Him. I twist and turn so much, I'm sometimes not sure which way is up. Prayers that this "squirming" would stop would be appreciated. I want desperately what He wants. Pray that this would be clear.

Well, now you have a lot to pray for. Let me know how I can pray for you. :)

A direction

I finally have a direction. I have tentatively decided to get my teaching certificate. Whether or not I'll do that here in Texas or in NJ is yet to be determined. I will pursue the alternate route to certification in either place. Here in Texas, it would probably mean a move to Dallas. In New Jersey, I would need to live at home. It feels good to have made this tentative decision. I know it will be hard, but it will open doors both for other jobs now and possibly graduate school in the future. Please pray the Lord's will would be done.

An update, such as it is...

Well, it's been a little over a week since I've written. So much has happened, and yet again, not much has happened. Yesterday and today are my first days off after SEVEN days of work. Unfortunately, I don't get Sundays off anymore...I did before my promotion, but no more. If you think of it, pray that this would be resolved. I need a Sabbath.

God has not provided any clearer direction. I don't feel as conflicted as I did, but still have questions as to my calling. I desperately want to help people. I want to be used of God to heal emotional wounds. The problem becomes, how do I pursue this. Seminary might be a good option. The one I'm considering has some free full tuition scholarships. I may be able to attend for free. However, I don't know exactly what to do with the theoretical degree when it is conferred. In another theoretical direction, there is also a place that helps people coming out of cults. I may be able to help there. It may be a good start.

Ideally, I want to be working hands on with people who have suffered, are suffering. This is my heart. Please pray that God would show me the way to live this dream.

A calm

It's amazing the calm that comes from relinquishing my will to the Lord's. I have been struggling with just about every aspect of my life. Today, I read in Matthew about not worrying. What a blessing it was for me. I really found relief in prayer and saying to God, "OK, it's up to you." I still don't know what to do, but I have a peace and calm about it. I know the Lord is my God. I have just as many options as ever, but I am at rest. Praise the Lord!

A No Go

I heard from Barnes and Noble in Jersey. While they have a position, they do not offer full time hours right now. In fact they are cutting back on hours in other places as well. Not a good time to be in retail. Because they cannot offer me full time, I can't move home at this point, unless I find another job. Please pray that God's will would be done.

I do feel more comfortable now in TX. I was homesick for a good number of days coming back. It's especially hard because I feel a lack of community due to the fact that I have to work a good number of Sundays. I am looking around at other options for jobs down here that would allow me to rest on Sunday. Again, may God's will be done.

So, where do we go from here?

Sooo, I'm stuck... I've got all these great ideas and no idea which ones to follow.

1. I could continue to work at Barnes and Noble here.
2. I could work at Barnes and Noble in NJ (or anywhere for that matter).
3. I could apply to teach English in a Christian school.
4. I could work to get my teacher certification via alternate route in NJ.
5. I could go to seminary (granted this sounds a little crazy, but it would NOT be with the intention of becoming a pastor...more like a very educated lay person).

I have decided to make a list of pros and cons for the above. Good grief that's going to be a huge spreadsheet. And how do you decide even with the pros and cons enumerated? Oh I love being an adult...

Frustration

Do you ever wonder just what it is that God is doing? Sometimes I get frustrated with the lack of clarity or direction that He allows. I know (theoretically) that it is all part of His plan. I just wish I could see it.

For example, financial insecurity. I don't know about you, but I have trouble making ends meet. Meet? I have trouble getting them close to each other. I work forty hours a week, and still, no go. I get frustrated with the reality that here in TX, I will have to work two jobs to support myself. Then there is the joy of finding said second job. It's hard.

With that said, there is a possibility that I may move home. I hope this is not escapism on my part. More like survivalism (yes, I made that up). I enjoy the freedom I have in TX to an extent. On the other hand, I miss being a part of a family. In some ways, it makes a lot of sense to move back to NJ. Financially it makes a good deal of sense. So why is there some reluctance on my part? I guess I don't want to "lose" myself. I enjoy the ability to come and go as I please. As I say that though, I wonder if that is as it should be, or if that is a function of our "live for yourself" society. Anyway, I'm torn. I can't be in two places at once. It's hard enough doing well in one place. So the question remains, TX or NJ?

Change of Plans

Well, it seems like it has happened again... a change of plans. Maybe not yet, but there seems to be a change coming.

For the past year and a half, I have lived in Texas, which has been fine. Recently though (probably the last six months), I have had a desire to move home to NJ. This desire was augmented with my visit home this past week. So, I applied at a local Barnes and Noble with the idea of transferring. I interviewed today, and it seemed to go well. Your prayers that God's will would be done would be appreciated. Should I get the position, I would be moving back roughly a month from date of hire.

With that said, I head back to TX today, through the snow and ice from Newark airport. Hopefully that goes well.

It will be hard to leave TX, but I think the right thing to do. I will miss friends who have, in a sense, become family. However, I think I need to move. I need more accountability and fellowship than I have been getting in TX. Part of that is due to the fact that I currently have to work Sundays. Not good. I need a better support system.

The past year and a half has been a time of growth and a time of stretching. My limits have been tested. It has been hard living 1,000+ miles away from family. I have however made friends I hope will remain friends for life. They have been a continual blessing to me.

I have by no means made a decision yet. I would need to get hired in NJ first. I am hoping to move home, but again, I am waiting on the Lord. His will be done.